Adult Children & Addiction

It can be painful to watch—and difficult to accept—that the person you nurtured from birth to adulthood seems on course for self-destruction from alcohol or other drug addiction. You may feel it's not your place to say anything. After all, your child is grown up and can make his or her own decisions. The truth is that your adult children facing addiction need to hear from you. They need to know you're aware of what's going on, that they are not alone and that there is help.

If addiction runs in your family, or you suspect your adult child may have a problem with alcohol or other drugs, the following steps can assist you in getting that difficult first conversation about the disease started.

How to Support an Addicted Adult Child Without Judgment 

Here are some things to keep in mind when you talk with your grown child:

• Remember, addiction is not their fault. It's a disease that often has a genetic component, which is why it frequently runs in families. It's not a moral issue or failure in character.
• Tell them exactly what you're seeing and how it's affecting you.
• Be concerned, caring and non-judgmental. Keep in mind: you're starting an ongoing, two-way conversation with your adult child. Take a deep breath. Allow them their thoughts and feelings—without judgment or condemnation.
• Manage your expectations. This will likely be the first of many conversations you have with your adult child about addiction. These are not easy conversations to have, and not all of them will go well. Remember, addiction treatment and recovery are a process. They take time.

Determine Your Key Messages

Oftentimes when substances are involved, emotions run high and conversations get way off track. Choose a few key messages you'd like to convey and repeat them often. These messages could include:

• Addiction runs in our family and it's nothing to be ashamed of. (You may want to share a personal story about your or another family member's experience with the disease.)
• You are loved and can come to me anytime without judgment.
• Help is available whenever you're ready.
• I care deeply, and I'm learning to set boundaries that honor us both.
• I trust your capacity to grow—and I'm letting go of trying to steer your path.

Creating Safe Spaces for Addiction Conversations 

Before you begin a conversation about addiction with your adult child, choose a calm and neutral setting—free from distractions and emotional tension. A peaceful environment can help set the stage for mutual honesty, respect and trust. Be thoughtful about timing and tone, and use "I feel" statements when setting boundaries with an adult child. This helps lower defenses and keeps the conversation focused on emotional realities, not perceived shortcomings. 

These small but intentional choices will help you create a space that's open, transformative and healing.

How to Show Love While Setting Boundaries

Even when the dialogue feels tense or unfinished, choose to start and stop every conversation with understanding. Supporting an addicted adult child doesn't mean withholding your love; it means expressing your concerns with compassion and clarity—and being direct about your intentions to stop enabling any unhealthy or dysfunctional behavior. 

Learn more about setting good boundaries and why it's so important.

Addiction is a massive strain on every family relationship. But when you state your needs, reaffirm your support, stay emotionally open and end hard conversations with kindness, it creates space for future connection, growth and recovery.

When Families Start to Heal

If you believe your adult child is confronting addiction, don't wait to get informed. Family support for addiction is critical—and knowing where to turn can make all the difference. The Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation provides trusted addiction treatment for teens, young adults and adults, along with comprehensive recovery programs for families. 

Explore top-ranked programs and resources designed to help you take the next step.